What Am I Doing?

It’s been almost two weeks since I’ve started this blog. And since I’ve started telling people about this, a question I get a lot is why did I choose to spend my time writing a blog? 

The question has its merit. In its purest form, people are just curious about how I’m choosing to spend my energy and time. But more than that, as an unemployed computer science major, I could definitely be doing things more aligned to my degree or future career path. To spend time writing a blog that only tens of people will read feels so unhelpful in terms of moving forward in life. So, why? 

I’ve never been the best at expressing myself. From a combination of being taught to be quiet and being insecure about my voice and value, I never really ever got to fully express my thoughts on many things. And that’s true to this day to an extent. I think for some friends, for better or worse they get to hear the majority of my thoughts, but still not everything. 

So this blog is for me. This blog is to make up for lost time, all the times I wanted to say something but didn’t It’s a culmination of my current thoughts and feelings that I sometimes wish people knew, but I just couldn’t bring myself to tell them. That’s why you might notice my posts have such a casual feeling to them. They were never meant to be for professional print or anything like that, they were just meant to give me a space to let loose a little. 

But beyond myself, these are thoughts that I am fully comfortable having people read, whether they know me or not. I think deep down part of me wishes the majority of people that I knew would read what I write, just to understand me a little better. But I’m a shy boi and don’t want to plug myself like that. I also know that what I write will upset or make some other people uncomfortable, so I don’t want to shove something in their faces that would cause that reaction. 

And lastly, it’s just fun! I realized that I actually enjoyed writing like this when I applied to college. There was something so freeing in being given a broader prompt and a blank page. To me, it felt like an opportunity. It was a chance to let a voice that I’ve learned to moderate and silence just scream to the digital hills. I think as we get to know and meet people, we end up developing reputations. And while they may be true, they don’t show the whole person. Each person is an incredibly multi-faceted person, it’s just hard to learn about every facet through normal conversation or activities sometimes. So this is me putting my different facets out there. This is to show that yes I love ice cream and smiling, but I also care deeply about the earth or my friends or whatever I end up posting on here. And I can do that while having a good time. 

All in all, this blog truly has no capitalistic goal or purpose. I don’t want to have thousands of followers or make a living off of here, I just do it to feel like me and to enjoy my time. That’s it. That’s the post. See ya tomorrow!