Meeting In the Middle

For the past few years, I hated my parents. 

It’s a sad progression. Growing up, I felt so loved by my mother and father. I would love to spend as much time as I could with them and to tell them everything that went on in the wild mind of child me. And for a long time, my parents supported me 100%. I wanted to play sports? Sure! I wanted to play piano or learn to draw only to quit months later? Why not? I wanted to be in the school band? Let’s get a trumpet! 

And then somewhere along the years is when the discourse started happening. I can’t remember exactly when or what caused it, but all I knew was that my parents didn’t even listen to me or try and understand me. They just wanted me to follow the path they had set for me and to have me meet their expectations. 

By the end of high school, I barely saw my parents. I would be the first to leave in the morning at like 6:30 am and the last to come home late at night. I wouldn’t eat any meals with them anymore. I saw them for at most like an hour a day. I couldn’t wait to go to college, because it meant space away from them and true freedom to live my life. 

And that’s what I did. I must say I was not a very good child for the first few years of college. I could go weeks or months without calling or messaging them. If they wanted to come up I would tell them not to and that if they did, I just wouldn’t see them. I worked really hard to ensure that they wouldn’t be a part of my college life. I moved to and from places with the help of friends. I got internships during the summer so I wouldn’t have to move home and live with them again. I had it where I would only see my parents during winter breaks and that was it. 

But I came to learn that this wasn’t what I really wanted. It wasn’t that I wanted true freedom and independence from my parents, but rather, I wanted them to be in it and supportive of who I was and what I wanted to do. I just kept them out for so long because it didn’t seem like they were going to be supportive. 

And I think this happened because I wanted them to be on my side always. Growing up, I wanted them to meet me by just agreeing with me. I wanted them to just say that I was right and that they didn’t know anything. I wanted them to see that they were just totally wrong and apologize for it all. 

And while for some things I may still feel that way, it’s changed a lot. The older I get, the more I realize that I have no idea what I’m supposed to be doing and I don’t think this feeling is going to go away. And as I feel that more and more, I realize that my parents would be no different. My parents aren’t better at adulting through genetics or natural talent, they’re just as lost as I am if not more sometimes. As a kid, I thought my parents could and should do it all. They were supposed to know how everything worked and help me when I needed it. But at the end of the day, they’re just humans too. They have their own burdens and experiences to bear on top of some of their children’s. I know that there’s a lot in their own lives to this day that stresses them but they still don’t tell me about it. 

And I won’t take credit for this realization. This short film helped me a lot in learning what it means to meet my parents in the middle:

And through it all, everyone messed up. I’ve said it before, but intentions do not cover the impact. Just cause my parents tried to help me with the best of intentions does not change the fact that some of those actions really hurt me. And I think even though my intentions were to try and get my parents to listen or care, I might have just really hurt them with my words instead. But I still think I’m lucky. Because I can now believe that my parents really do love and support me. I know that even if we disagree, we can still talk and laugh and do our best to love each other. 

Not everyone can say that. And if that’s how you feel, don’t feel like you have to change to magically make the whole family dynamic better. Like you can try if you want please go for it. But there truly are many bad and toxic relationships with family where it may be best to just leave and cut ties if possible. I’m not going to paint everything and rainbows and unicorns because it’s not. I know that some people will read my story and envy what I have even if I feel like it’s far from perfect. 

So this is just my story. I’m not here to tell you what to do or how to fix your family, I’m just here to share.

That’s all.