I Cry Sometimes
I used to tell others, “I never cry during movies”. This was a statement that was said with so much pride and ego in it. Because for me, it was a way of showing other people how “strong” I was.
I haven’t said that sentence in a couple of years now because it’s just not true anymore. I can perfectly recall when I had last cried during a movie. It was 1.5 weeks ago when I watched the animated film, “The Mitchells vs. The Machines”. I won’t go too much into it, but just know that it was a movie that really spoke to my soul and that I highly recommend it if you have 90 minutes of time to spare.
Some of you might wonder why it seems like such a big deal that I cry sometimes. It’s perfectly emotionally healthy to cry when one needs to. But for so long I was taught the opposite.
Growing up, my parents held pretty traditional Chinese values about what it means to be a man. I had to “be strong” as my mom would always call it. And unfortunately, showing my emotions was never a part of what qualified as being strong.
I think compared to most people, I emote a lot. I have high highs of joy, with boisterous laughs and open-mouthed smiles, and low lows, with loud sobs and feelings of hopelessness. That is just who I am. But to my parents, this was a HUGE nono. It was always commented that I laughed too loud or smiled too big or that I was weak and cried too much. And to be fair, my parents told me these things with the best of intentions. They love me and want the best for me, and to them, the best for me was to follow the standard guidelines of being a good, strong man.
However, as nice as intentions are, they do not equal impact. Here, I’ll say it louder for the people in the back. INTENTIONS DO NOT EQUAL IMPACT. My parents had the best of intentions raising me the way that they did, but that does not change the fact that it hurt me. For so long I struggled with sharing my emotions. I tried so hard to hold everything in. I tried to be neutral or okay about everything, never really wanting to bring up how I was really feeling or doing. I will say that in terms of what we call positive emotions, I did not hold them back as much because I love smiling and laughing. It feels good. But for what we call negative, I suppressed. I suppressed HARD. I got to a point where I had no way to normally process these sad feelings. I would just hold them in until maybe one day I’d burst into a giant fit of rage, or I’d just want to cease existing because it hurt so bad. It got bad enough to where I genuinely considered killing myself in eighth grade.
I don’t say that to garner pity or love, I say it to set a baseline of where I was. Compared to many people, I was incredibly behind when it came to expressing myself. To this day, it is a struggle that I talk about in my therapy sessions.
But it’s gotten a lot better. And I know that because I can now say that I cry sometimes without any feelings of shame or guilt. Crying is just a part of who I am. I emote a lot. I laugh loud but I also cry loud, that’s just how it is. It’s not something that needs to change or be fixed, it’s just me. I love the fact that I am this way. I love the fact that I can be so happy from seeing a cute dog to weeping over tragic news. That’s just who I am.
I don’t have a call to action or anything really in this post. I just wanted to share. But I’m sure I’m not the only traditionally raised Asian male who feels that way. And maybe someday, some or even one of them will read this post and can be affirmed that there’s nothing wrong with you. Who you are is lovely and you deserve to be able to express who you are to the people around you. Even if your parents say they meant the best, it’s still allowed to have hurt you. Both of those things can happen and exist as one. I hope you can realize that for yourself.
NOTE: This was very much NOT a self-made journey. There is a countless amount of people who have helped me get here and make this self-realization. So many so, that I won’t list any names. But if you’re someone I shared this post with, thanks :)
